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The new parents will realize soon how much the baby's arrival has profoundly changed their lives, from the daily routine. Everything has to be rebuilt, schedules, habits, everything. It will initially be mainly the appetite of the new arrival at the time, or so it seems the fledgling new parents. Now that my little almost seven months, I pause occasionally to think about how it would have been difficult for them, the first time, not often included in their needs ... How many times have you found the breast or bottle in the mouth when they wanted instead of anything! When still tuning between mother and child is established, it often happens that a new mother interpreters incorrectly call-ups of his small, mainly due to hunger. I wonder why we tend to forget or put in second obscure the fact that a baby may also have other needs, such as sleep or simply the desire to change position. But no, the first time, if the child cries, "surely that is hungry." I believe that this phenomenon also contributes to the now widespread practice of breastfeeding on demand. What is it? In short, this "current of thought that says you have to breastfeed your baby whenever he the" ask. " Well, although I recognize the benefit that this conduct can be made, particularly in the first delicate phase of the "calibration", in which the baby stimulates milk production so that settles on your needs, I think it is harmful if committed beyond this earliest period. The reasons are many of my thoughts. First of all, it is right that the child learns, from the first moments of his life, that its demands can not always be answered, and he has to learn to tolerate the frustration that stems from a request is not met, this ability will be very useful in the future.
Secondly, let us briefly in the shoes of the poor mother, who breast-feed on demand, is found almost always to breastfeed, with the risk of not having any time or space for themselves, and feel a real "cow". I believe it is profoundly wrong to think that the mother should devote himself exclusively to her baby and put aside any space itself. The risk of this behavior is that the new mother feels literally suffocate and therefore does not relate to her baby in a serene way.
I want very much to emphasize this point, I myself have tried it on my skin what it's like the arrival of a child is beautiful, sure, but it is also frightening to realize that his life is radically changed, the first time it seems impossible that one day we will start again to get out, watching movies, going to the hairdresser ... The days seem to slip one by one, the other an equal, perhaps without being able to sleep properly and this can really put to the test. For this reason it is important that the mother able as soon as possible to carve out spaces to rest and to "disconnect" a little bit. It can read a book, take a shower, go out and get some air on your face (it's wonderful to feel the air on your face, feel that there is still the world outside the home), any little thing can be refreshing at this time and enable us to face the adventure of motherhood with more energy.
So I think it is important to set from the first moments a procedure that takes into account both the needs of small and those of mom and dad. This topic has been enlightening for me to read the book by Tracy Hogg, "The secret language of babies", in which the author wrote, thanks to his many years of experience with babies and their parents, says the importance of creating a "program" the day of the family. A program that includes the areas devoted to food of the child, to play, sleep, and then a space dedicated to the mother herself. I must tell you that as I read this book, still immersed in the first phase of upheaval and uncertainty, I thought that this method would never work. But I decided to try. And I was a big help. I soon made many realize that was wrong with my small steps. For example, after a feed, I thought you were sleeping and then I spent a lot of time trying to sleep, poor things until I collapsed desperation! After reading this but I tried to take a moment to breastfeed longer or shorter period of activity, showing their dolls, making them jump on my lap etc.. Well, after coming sleep and fell asleep without too many ups and downs ...
And while they were asleep I started to do something for me, reading a magazine, take a nap, surf the internet ... It was already a completely different life.
'll tell my experience to make you understand that children need an organization, even in those early days very elementary. For them it is important that there is a regularity in daily routine, there are the moments dedicated to one thing and others another. So I think that breastfeeding on demand is not a good practice: first, the parents do not learn to distinguish between the different needs of their child, and second, their lives will depend on the child, without the possibility of having space for themselves, both as Individuals who, equally important, as a couple. Remember that the baby is only crying to communicate many needs: hunger, sleep, boredom, pain, fear ... Your task is to listen and observe your child and try to understand what he wants to tell you, not to plug his mouth with the pacifier or the breast at every hint of tears. In this way, in fact, you do not learn how to decipher his language and he understands that his needs are not included and will have a big confusion about his ability to communicate with you effectively. This will make him cry and create a vicious circle from which it is then very difficult to escape.

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Some interesting ideas for further discussion on the topic of mother-child relationship.

Tracy Hogg with Melinda Blau, "The secret language of babies", Essays Oscar Mondadori, 354 pp., € 8.80.

Nine months of anxious waiting passed to obtain information, courses, question friends and acquaintances. Then comes the baby. It begins an amazing adventure of being parents. A journey full of excitement, but also of deep insecurities, while which you often need to be confirmed, suggestions, answers. Why are you crying? How can I calm him down? What does he like and what is not? It will always be so difficult? A new mother to the many questions that arise every day in this book meets Tracy Hogg, for his exceptional ability to communicate with babies is called "the woman whispers to the children." With the support of specific examples and true stories, it helps new parents to guess the desires of their child, to interpret the language, distinguishing the different types of crying and reading the body movements. It teaches how to build a true relationship with the child, turning every event into an opportunity to know each other better: feeding, bathing, massage, sleep. "

Tracy Hogg is a graduate nurse in England, such as specialized nurses. In 1997 she founded Baby Technique, a facility through which offers individual counseling to mothers and fathers, take lessons, lectures and exercises for baby sitters. Lives in Los Angeles and is the mother of two daughters.


Melinda Blau, a journalist and writer, specializes in ata themes of family and health.

Baby Scrapbook Wording

Building a dialogue of love

forgive me if it is necessary that I go a little faster ... The moment a child enters for the first time in the lives of his parents is so delicate and complex that no doubt will not be able to talk about everything that happens, my attempt is rather to give a quick overview of this event, trying to touch those who in my opinion are the key points.
So where were we? Ah, yes, we were still surrounded by confusion and uncertainty of the first moments after the birth of our baby.
Only now, after maybe one or two weeks after his arrival among us, we begin to "see" better. Before, between tiredness, maybe cesarean wound pain, incessant comings and goings of friends and relatives, we did not have enough space to really make us realize that yes, this is truly our baby, and is finally here with us. Of course, in his first months of life, communication between the child and parents is still a bit "limited", based mostly on the plant as the only signal of need, hardship, etc.. This does not help matters to mom still inexperienced, the interpretation of the meaning of the baby's crying is something that the mother learns step by step, with time and being with her child, but at the matter is not quite so simple .
The cry of the child is able to create such a mother in the emotional upheaval that can sometimes be very difficult to manage. On the other hand, in this case, we see how nature has worked so well: all puppies, and even then the children, are made in every detail in order to ensure the protection of the adult. Soft, rounded features, large eyes, larger head than the rest of the body, and finally the tears, so that can disturb the heart of a mother. All "designed" to elicit tenderness in adults and a protective instinct that allows the puppy, in itself helpless and defenseless, its survival.
The cry then. Something difficult to interpret, but very useful because it is the only way that the child has to get in touch with us. The important thing to do is listen. I know it's difficult and time: the mother's first instinct would be to stop the crying, of course, but sometimes it can be valuable to pause a moment to listen "as" our baby is crying. At first all the plants look the same, a little also because my mother is still very "rusty" in his new role, and also because of the tiredness and the large (sometimes overwhelming) sense of responsibility, can not "really" a hear what your baby tries to communicate. Let us ask instead: what happened immediately before the baby started to cry? There have been signs that perhaps we have ignored? We also observe his body movements, important to understand the reason for the tears. Well, let's be listening attentively. It 's like a language unknown to us, of which First we need to learn the ABC, before putting together the complete sentences. Not only do we believe that we are having to learn: even our children are studying there, even for what they initially say or do is difficult to understand, they also observe us, our face, our expressions, tone and warmth of our voices that have long since learned to distinguish from the other, the touch of our hands on their skin ... We communicate with them through the five senses, for now their only way of knowing the world around them. For this reason it is important to always be aware of the feelings we experience when we are with our children. If we are calm and quiet, they will feel our voice, our eyes see it, feel the touch of our hands. If we are tense and / or angry, the same will happen. Imagine for a moment of not being able to explain anything that happens and you hear around you, felt the feelings, but do not know how to give them a name, you do not know if you come from you or from outside, and heard enough. This is what a baby test. Only then will succeed in giving meaning to what he feels, to distinguish between self and other by itself, to understand the intention behind the behavior of others, the beginning is pure sensation. It is therefore essential that both the mother or the parent in general, to be very careful what kind of emotions and feelings is sending his child and also to "give back" by giving them a meaning. Then we can tell our child who cries because he has sleep: "Do not worry, nothing happens, you just need to take a nap," or, if he's hungry, "Yes, baby, mama you know you're hungry, now prepares you jelly. " At first perhaps may seem unnecessary, since we believe that our baby does not "understand" what we're saying yet, but this is only partly true, because if there is no doubt that he does not understand the literal meaning of what we say, he understands However perfectly the tone of our voice and will feel reassured, because someone out there proves to him that he had heard his call and understand why.
As Bion has taught us, my mother has the task of collecting the emotions and feelings that the child expresses but that are impossible for him to play and "work" within himself to restituirgiele with meaning. So let's see how, at a careless observer, it would seem that in these early times, the communication between mother and child is limited or almost absent, while the opposite and this is the stage where you are laying the foundations for the construction of a satisfactory relationship between mother and child.

Shingles On The Breast

The first moments with our baby

Nine months have passed, maybe a little less, maybe a little more, and here we get to know our little one. Suddenly, the relationship with him changes, we are now in the arms frugoletto a flesh and blood, perhaps weeping, so fragile and helpless, so needy of all, we would probably ask: Now what? What do I do? We will surely have said something like: Do not worry, you'll see when that happens you'll be all natural! Well, you know what I say to you? It is not true. Or at least not right away. It 'not to be believed: that little that you felt up to a few hours before kick inside of you, now is there, your arms, and he wants you all to himself. Which is obviously great, but if we get a view of a woman who spent nine months of waiting, has had the experience of childbirth (whether spontaneous or Caesarean section) and is perhaps a little tired, maybe things can be seen differently. Emotions are really long, the body was put to the test and everything you would want at this point is a bit of rest. But the beauty is that all the people around, who until two hours before worried that we do not tire, they took us shopping bags etc.., Suddenly seem to expect that we enter immediately into the role of mothers tubes, with a smile on his lips . Now, then, in hospitals, is in vogue and rooming in, meaning that the child is left in the room with the mother 24 hours a day. This practice is certainly positive in some ways, particularly to promote the child's early attachment to the breast and then stimulate the production of milk, which needs a few days to settle on the needs of the child, but I think you should evaluate the situation from woman to woman, to pay attention even the mood of the mother before leaving the baby all the time without even bothering to give any advice on how to proceed. Take for instance my experience: the last four months of pregnancy to rest at home for risk of preterm delivery, full attention, I felt great, but I could not do almost anything, then caesarean to give birth to my twins, with some problem of blood values \u200b\u200bupside luckily resolved. I was happy to finally know my two little puppy, but did not really know what to do with them, and say that with my work on things I had read a lot, but this was not something I had read, no, this was the reality, I assure you, is something quite different. I just wanted to get some sleep, to recover some energy. Instead I was surrounded by hospital staff who kept telling me: But, sir, must take the breast, if not now attack the attacks more ... And to my requests to take them for a few hours in the nursery so you can sleep a little, they made me feel like a bad mother, one who "did not want his daughters". Behold, I tell you this to tell you that when you finally put your puppy in the world, a bit of rest you deserve it.
There will be those who will not understand this thing, and you will be tested physically and psychologically, you are fragile and can make you feel inadequate. So it's important that people close to you, your husband, your parents, you support in this delicate moment, recognize that you have really done an outstanding job and is now a rest is really the least you can have. When you choose a hospital or clinic where you will give birth to your puppy, find out about services offered to support the mothers about breastfeeding. The nurses are roaming the rooms and give advice on how to breastfeed? There is a possibility ilbimbo choose to send to the nest at night? Maybe not first think about it, but things are really important! Breastfeeding is a natural thing, it's true, but it is not always so simple, especially at the beginning, and it is very easy for an unfair attack, run into problems such as cracked nipples or engorgement, which would add to fatigue and stress already accumulated. Pretend to be advised on this issue, the staff is there for this reason! It 'important that breastfeeding is a serene experience, where mother and child build a harmony that will accompany them for the first months of life of the child. In almost all of the ASL are breastfeeding support groups, where mothers can meet to exchange advice and support, if you feel that you are not experiencing breastfeeding as you would have thought, if you feel tense and frustrated, go to these groups with your children. If nothing else, take a breath of fresh air, see new people, you can talk and express your concerns and maybe find that most of the mothers living exactly what you are experiencing. At first it seems impossible, but gradually the confusion and uncertainty of the early days and are not really begin to make contact with your children, to know them, understand their needs. They, meanwhile, get to know you, after all the hustle and bustle of birth need a moment to understand what happened to ...

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For a discussion on the topic of pregnancy and motherhood, I recommend two readings quite simple, but complete, the first more scientific side, the second on the psychological.

• Carlo Flamigni, "Having a baby. How life begins: from conception to birth," Essays Oscar Mondadori, 711 pp., € 10.40

How is the miracle of conception? What relationship is established between the mother and baby during pregnancy? The unborn child to life as part of the outside world? What are the physical problems faced by the woman's body and what precautions you can follow? Finally, how the mother has to prepare for the pain of labor and childbirth? In these pages, Carlo Flamigni, an Italian expert of fertility problems, explains the fundamental aspects of male and female reproductive, describing the daily nine months of pregnancy and helping us to understand the motivations behind the choice of "being a parent ".

Carlo Flamigni, director of the Institute of Gynecology and Obstetrics, University of Bologna, a member of the National Bioethics Committee, conducts research in the pathophysiology of reproduction. Published: The Book of procreation (Oscar Mondadori, 1998), an essay on assisted reproduction, along with Marina Mengarelli within Will a son of Sylvia Finzi Vegetti (Oscar Mondadori 1999) and the novel Egg Yellow (Mondadori 2002).

• Daniel N. Stern, Nadia Bruschweiler Stern, "Birth of a mother. As the experience of motherhood changes a woman," Wise Oscar Mondadori, 213 pp., € 8.80.

Becoming a mother is an experience that is unparalleled in life, not just a turning point in the choices and changes most of the values \u200b\u200bwe believe in, but also affects the relationships with the people closest, becoming an extraordinary opportunity to revise its personal history and review its role inside and outside the family. Birth of a mother, based on analysis of individual cases and the personal contributions of many women, is primarily a work that deals with punctuality and psychological aspects of motherhood and its closely related themes such as fatherhood, premature birth, adoption. But it is also a participant and successful attempt to give voice for the first time the deeper emotions that animate the inner life of pregnant women: the dreams that the baby is coming, the intensity of the relationship with the newborn, the sense of responsibility towards a new life that demands our love and our dedication.

D ANIEL N. Stern teaches psychology at the University of Geneva and psychiatry at Cornell University Medical Center in New York. For years, student of the mother-child relationship, is the author of numerous books, including The interpersonal world of the child ( Bollati and Basic Books, 1987), Early social relationships: the child and the mother (Sovera Multimedia 1989) , Diary of a baby (Mondadori 1991) and maternal Constellation (Bollati and Boringhieri 1995)

Bruschweiler Nadia Stern worked as a pediatrician and child psychiatrist in Geneva.


A reading fit instead of an audience of "insiders" could be the following:

• Vegetti Silvia Finzi, " The child of the night. Becoming a woman becoming a mother ", Essays Oscar Mondadori, 278 pp., 7.75 €.

Who is the "child of the night"? A fascinating figure that the author reconstructs the unconscious through dream analysis that two girls talk about and draw, with extraordinary efficiency of expression in the course of psychotherapy. Present in dreams, games, their fantasies of childhood, the child of the night then seems to vanish in front of the royal son, the "baby of the day." But myths have retained his memory, and through extraordinary events of the secret initiation rites and female, reveals the eternal conflict between the sexes on the power to generate. In this momentodi crisis of female identity, and faced with new responsibilities imposed by procreation, which is the subject of scary technology, this personal and cultural journey into the unconscious, beyond the historical conditioning helps us to redefine motherhood across its biological complexity and symbolic. Rich with literary quotes and life stories, the book is a fascinating read for anyone who knows the challenges that our age brings us.

Silvia Finzi Vegetti teaches Dynamic Psychology at the University of Pavia, a clinical psychologist who has worked as psychotherapy for family problems and child. Some time been engaged in a debate about femininity, participated in the activities of the Cultural Center of Virginia Woolf Rome, Women's Documentation Centre of Florence, The Melusine Group of Milan. Collaborator of the Corriere della Sera and the magazine "together", is the author of numerous publications translated into several languages. Was published by Mondadori History of Psychoanalysis (1986), The child of the night (1990), The novel family (1992), Freud and the birth of psychoanalysis (1994). By Anna Maria Battistin wrote small steps (1994) and have changed Children (1996). And 'member of the National Bioethics.

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Becoming a mother, so many emotions! Good morning everyone

The birth of a child is a unique event ... During the nine months of waiting the expectant mother begins to make contact with your puppy, to imagine, to create a space for him, not only physically prepared the bedroom or perhaps the first buying clothes, but also on a psychological level, a space in mind that accommodate the baby and that his arrival will change the lives of parents. The dialogue of the mother with her child during pregnancy is given in accordance with, the mother feels the first movements of the little light as soap bubbles bursting, or like the beating of wings of a butterfly, then more vigorous and through these feelings begin to become aware of the life growing inside her. The dialogue in this period is made of caresses, words muffled in each other's hearts beating. It 's time of the "imaginary child, every mother that builds in his mind. What will my child? Look like me or dad? That character will have? It 'also the time of the doubts and fears. Will be healthy? I will be can be a good mother to him? I will love? The questions are many and the mother needs to make room in himself to build a new equilibrium. From mother to daughter, from girl to adult woman, the changes that motherhood brings are large and deep, and call into play the dynamics dormant, such as family, his relationship with his mother, his own childhood. It 's a bit like if the expectant mother, in order to fully accept the child who is coming, she herself had to return a little girl, go through the first moments of his life: in short, see the world through the eyes of children. During pregnancy, the emotions of the pregnant woman are amplified, mixed joy and sadness, intense both, the mother is literally struck by a cyclone emotional, too similar to what evidence a child, who still can not give a name and meaning to feelings and emotions he feels, but warns on full force.
If you think of the pregnancy, it is surprising that nature has built a time when she could reorganize their own pace and thoughts in anticipation of the arrival of a new little person, sleep changes, there are frequent awakenings that prepare the nights when the baby will require care, the breasts begin to change and to produce what will become the food for our puppy, our whole body, as well as our mind, is preparing the event: the arrival of a child in the world, the most natural thing, yet most amazing life. This period is so important in the life of a woman can be compared in some ways entering puberty. Again, a real upheaval in both of body and on a psychological level. You leave childhood and enter adulthood in a case, you leave the role of daughter and parent to enter into another. In both cases, through a "crisis" that it is crucial to be able to access the new state, to allow us to evolve, to grow. Obviously, this step can create fear, uncertainty and doubt that every new mother has to face. Of these fears will talk next time.

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Hello everyone, my name is Flavia
Pochettino and a psychologist in Turin. This blog was created to share with others my interests in psychology and to provide help to those who need it. I receive at my private studio in Moncton and offer counseling via e-mail. The advice by e-mail is obviously not intended as a substitute for real therapy, but simply as a way to deal with a problem, help to put some ideas in order and possibly later choose a suitable course of treatment.
short, support for making a bit of clarity in a time of crisis or difficulty.
My areas of interest are in particular issues relating to maternity, pregnancy, childbirth, postnatal care, as well as issues concerning the nfertilità and medically assisted procreation.
I too am a mother of two beautiful twins and I personally experienced how much motherhood, despite being a truly unique and extraordinary event in the life of a woman, is also something that deeply upsets the balance achieved so far, doing a whole emerge unknown number of thoughts and emotions, but so intense as to create fear and instability. If you like, we can talk about all these feelings and find a way to understand them and give them a name and a more precise meaning.